That was why he had to undergo those horrible years, suffer nausea, learn the lesson of the madness of an empty, futile life till the end, till he reached bitter despair, so that Siddhartha the pleasure-monger and Siddhartha the man of property could die

≥However, many things which he had learned from the Samanas, which he had learned from Gotama, from his father, from the Brahmins, he still retained for a long time: a moderate life, pleasure of thinking, hours of meditation, secret knowledge of the self, of the central self, that was neither body nor consciousness.≤ 

"We will build a raft," said Vasudeva, "to get our boat back, which the
boy has taken away. But him, you shall let run along, my friend, he is
no child any more, he knows how to get around. He's looking for the
path to the city, and he is right, don't forget that. He's doing what
you've failed to do yourself. He's taking care of himself, he's taking
his course. Alas, Siddhartha, I see you suffering, but you're suffering
a pain at which one would like to laugh, at which you'll soon laugh for
yourself."

≥ ≥Om≤, he pronounced inwardly, and he was conscious of Brahman, of the indestructibleness of life; he remembered all that he had forgotten, all that was divine. But it was only for a moment, a flash. Siddhartha sank down at the foot of the cocoanut tree, overcome by fatigue. Murmuring Om, he laid his head on the tree roots and fell into a deep sleep.≤

≥Then he suddenly saw clearly that he was leading a strange life that he was doing many things that were only a gameä≤

≥I am still a Samana, he thought, still an ascetic and a beggar. I cannot remain one; I cannot enter the grove like this. And he laughed.≤

    "The life that is lived here is simple, thought Siddartha. It has no difficulties. Everything was difficult, irksome and finally hopeless when i was a Samana. Now everything is easy, as easy as the instruction in kissing which Kamala gives. I require clothes and money, that is all. These are easy goals which do not disturb one's sleep"